Yulia, what you’re addressing is what I call the Say-Do Ratio. We all love to be right about what a great guy or gal we are. The problem is that this one-sided story line ignores that days we wake up and show up as assholes. Truth is we ALL have those days. Some more than others. The truth is that we ALL have a dark side. Some of us manage them better in the daily game of Whack-a-Mole than others. As much as I may have a genuinely generous nature, there are days I show up as Super Bitch- my rotator cuff injury hurts really badly, I didn’t sleep the night before, I had too many rejections for my articles. Okay, so welcome to your humanity. We’re all made up of many parts, and each one shows up in context. One moment I’m playing with a dog and all is well, the next I’m screaming obscenities at some rude Indian man claiming to be an IRS agent and wanting me to open my bank account to him and his cronies. Not that the latter isn’t called for, but it’s a statement of how we respond to external conditions with widely varying behaviors. What we want is for people to have a high Say-Do ratio, which speaks to integrity. We keep our promises. We are largely consistent. Our intent is clean. We aren’t carrying around some evil bucket full of revenge against all men or all women because of a past hurt. And we aren’t blind to those less-attractive parts of ourselves that are less-than-honorable. We all have them because ultimately we’re all self-serving. Even a professional martyr is totally self-serving. What makes the difference is owning all of what and who we are, and being mindful that we all have a dark side. We can better manage what we know. When we deny those hurtful, and sometimes evil parts of our nature, which are part of being human, then they can wreak havoc. There’s no regulator, no mindfulness. As in, hey, I’m a kind, loving guy (but on occasion I’ve been known to smash a girlfriend in the face when I’m in a bad mood). Ignoring or denying those parts of us allow them to operate with impunity. Denial is a very powerful weapon, and it makes us blind as well as dangerous.