Think of it this way: people love to say “you MAKE me feel ____________” First of all I can’t make you feel anything. But we can choose to feel, just as someone can notice, acknowledge, and validate the truth of sadness. The first is implicit blame. I feel guilty and it’s all your fault that you’re depressed and nothing I say can fix it. It’s convoluted, but it’s what folks do.

Understand that offers some compassion in their direction, in that there probably is genuine concern and desire to help (yah we got that) combined with helpless feelings when nothing seems to work. Sadness has a sacred purpose. Sometimes we don’t understand until many years later. But it does have a purpose.

And yes, Max, we who wear a uniform- no matter what kind- have a shared story. I met a herder in Mongolia when I was herding my hosts’ goats. We found out we were both veterans. The instantaneous acknowledgement is beyond civilian understanding.