The Perfect Answer to Middle-Aged Dating: Rent a Middle-Aged Man
There are a few things that I don’t much like about Japan. Their voracious appetite for sushi and certain marine mammals has done considerable damage to the world’s ocean ecosystem (look, we are NO ANGELS in the greed department). However they are uniquely creative when it comes to providing for human desires and needs with no strings attached, except of course, to your wallet.
If you want to cuddle a cat but don’t want to own one, you can. If you want to walk a dog but don’t want to own one, you can. If you want to cuddle a woman/girl but don’t want to marry one, you can, but you have to keep your hands to yourself. If you’re lonely you can visit an anti-loneliness cafe and have a plush toy sit across from you. The conversation is decidedly one-way but at least Teddy looks like his photograph, which is more than I can say for online dating sites. For more on some of what makes Japan a unique experience, please see https://www.youcouldtravel.com/travel-blog/17-weirdest-things-you-can-only-find-in-japan
I could go on, but you get my drift.
What I love about their extraordinary creativity is that they are always coming up with unique ways to deal with societal ills. Rather than stoop to going on Match.com, middle-aged men are now renting themselves out for nine bucks an hour and up to women who want their company and advice. This is one way that these revered gentlemen are regaining social status.
I think this is a GREAT IDEA.
Think of all the problems this solves. Rather that set himself up for disappointment and rejection, a middle-aged man offers his advice for sale. Rather like SCORE (https://www.score.org/) without scoring, if you will.
The idea that middle-aged men have something of value to offer isn’t new. However in youth-obsessed societies, said males have often been cast aside for the latest pre-pubescent wonder (Justin Bieber anyone? Dear god no thanks). What’s a guy to do when the belly expands, the body rebels and the Mighty Sword needs pharmaceutical assistance? You provide the one thing that really is of value: sage relationship (and business, life etc) advice to people who need it. And, rather than shell out your shillings for the meal and entertainment, the women pay YOU.
In fact, for some this is vastly preferred:
I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. Rodney Dangerfield
For many American men who find themselves single and looking, or single and cooking (badly), renting yourself out for an hour or so for the good of mankind -or womankind to be more specific- might be just the trick.
Imagine not having to be insulted by chickies in their twenties who don’t find you attractive. Now they are paying you just to be in your company. Okay okay you can’t touch. But you can feel vastly more useful when your Buddha belly incites respect rather than derision.
The late, great George Burns once said that the one thing he wanted most for his 87th birthday was a paternity suit. This specifically does not include the ever-virile Mick Jagger whose perpetual-motion penis I am quite sure the Japanese are celebrating in the above photo for Kanamura (penis) Festival. After all, at 73, he did sire a sibling for his (many, many) adult children (https://www.theguardian.com/music/2016/dec/08/mick-jagger-father-for-eighth-time-aged-73-rolling-stones). Having done that and split with the mother, he is now dating a child 52 years his junior. This is not a man who needs an erector set; albeit that face has seen better times.
That said, the ossan (Japanese middle-aged men) have lost social status in precisely the same way as our greying oldies have over here. The difference is that even in our highly-consumer focused society, we haven’t been able to figure out a way to make use of that flatulent football-loving fraternity which helps them keep their (triple)chins up as they realize that their high school buddies are now running the country. Or being indicted for running the country into the ground, as it were, but I digress. In Japan at least, your advice on surviving a divorce, dating, sex, marriage and a great deal more are now highly sought-after commodities.
Men can’t all be Mick, who can still command a bedroom with a 22-year-old piece of arm candy. However, given the angst-ridden, ego-blasting war zone of middle-aged dating, the idea of renting one’s self out for an hour at a time, feeling worthy because of your life experience, and regaining status at an age when the first grey pubes are cause for extreme distress isn’t such a bad way to go.
Want motivation? One ossan has some 1500 clients already and growing fast. In fact, he’s had to hire a few more to help him take up the slack (https://soranews24.com/2015/05/19/we-tried-tokyos-rent-a-middle-aged-japanese-man-service-and-it-was-awesome/).
I can’t speak for anyone else but if I were a middle-aged man in America, this would be a hugely attractive business proposition. Rather than be like this guy
you could be more like this guy:
Um, well, okay. Maybe not.
However you could easily be more like this guy:
In other words, looking like Jabba the Hutt would actually work in your favor.
In the immortal words of the great Billy Crystal, By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
He has a point.
So rather than your having to get in shape to compete with guys half your age, you can be the mountain that others come to worship. Find a favorite Starbucks, set up a table, and never move again. Get others to purchase your triple mocha lattes, your donuts and cookies, and dispense advise like Confucius.
Now THAT is a deal.
Of course if your advice backfires, you might have to find a new gig.
Still it might be worth the good old college try. If you’re at the age where “your back goes out more than you do” (with thanks to Phyllis Diller), it’s time to consider rent-an-old fart as an alternative to a bag of greasy Doritos and Ion TV reruns.
At least someone else picks up the tab for a change. And that’s saying something.