Photo by Mitchell Orr on Unsplash

The Desperate Need for a Driver Alert System

I need to install one in my butt

I can’t speak for anyone else but I really need a butt backup alarm system.

Look, if the Volkswagen Tiguan can offer this for Stupid People Who Shouldn’t Be Driving in order not to run over Stupid People Who Aren’t Paying Attention (do I see an answer to over-population here? But I digress) then most assuredly I can be fitted with something similar.

If you and I can get bionic parts, I want a bionic butt.

Let me explain.

Since last year when a massive emotional upset skewed my bladder to the point where I now experience having to pee several times at night, and no that’s NOT just an aging thing, it’s an upset thing, I have noticed a problem.

Look. I hate turning lights on at 1 am. That makes it hard to go back to sleep.

Besides, kindly, like many of us who have lived in Colorado a very long time, I have dry eyes, which I treat at bedtime with this viscous goo gel which makes vision utterly impossible. It’s like looking through a thick layer of Vaseline.

So I pad into the toilet, where the actual throne itself is in a little alcove. I back in, gauging where the damned thing is in that half-sleep that characterizes the…