The Desperate Need for a Driver Alert System

I need to install one in my butt

I can’t speak for anyone else but I really need a butt backup alarm system.

Look, if the Volkswagen Tiguan can offer this for Stupid People Who Shouldn’t Be Driving in order not to run over Stupid People Who Aren’t Paying Attention (do I see an answer to over-population here? But I digress) then most assuredly I can be fitted with something similar.

If you and I can get bionic parts, I want a bionic butt.

Let me explain.

Since last year when a massive emotional upset skewed my bladder to the point where I now experience having to pee several times at night, and no that’s NOT just an aging thing, it’s an upset thing, I have noticed a problem.

Look. I hate turning lights on at 1 am. That makes it hard to go back to sleep.

Besides, kindly, like many of us who have lived in Colorado a very long time, I have dry eyes, which I treat at bedtime with this viscous goo gel which makes vision utterly impossible. It’s like looking through a thick layer of Vaseline.

So I pad into the toilet, where the actual throne itself is in a little alcove. I back in, gauging where the damned thing is in that half-sleep that characterizes the desperate-to-sleep-but-more-desperate-to-pee person, and slowly let myself down.

On more than one occasion that has resulted in far more excitement than any turning on of the bathroom lights would have created. I squat slowly, then suddenly realize that my airborne ass is well past the point where any normal (ice fucking cold) toilet seat might be. I pick up speed, which is why we have science, because gravity works, and I land on my padded bum with a thump on the (ice fucking cold) floor.

If you have ever climbed Kilimanjaro or the Everest Base camp, you know what an ice cold toilet seat feels like. There’s no heat, of course, and you’re bloody grateful to have a toilet to begin with. However, said toilet seats have, on more than one occasion, being sub-zero in such conditions, ended up being coated with a layer of skin that was once happily attached to my person.

My butt, as it were.

Ever try that stupid tongue to a frozen piece of metal trick?

Same thing.

Which brings me to another request. I want a Drivers’ Proximity Alert for when I get within an inch of said toilet seat so that I can do an air drop, and not lose several layers of epidermis because the damned toilet seat is freezing.

Mine is cold because I turn my heat down at night. Colorado is cold in January. So is my toilet. Not as bad as at 18,000' but cold enough.

If those canny (and rather dishonest) folks at Volkswagen can come up with alert systems to protect us from stupid people, then surely scientists can come up with alert systems from sleepy people who need to pee safely.

Just saying.

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Photo by DesignClass on Unsplash

Written by

Horizon Huntress, prize-winning author, adventure traveler, boundary-pusher, wilder, veteran, aging vibrantly. I own my sh*t. Let’s play!

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