So many of us want so badly for this or that ex- to be sad that we left, to be keening for us every night, for them to feel remorse or be crushed. And vice versa. If we’ve had unprotected sex, their DNA is now part of us (as well as every other hookup they or we ever had, which is a bit horrifying but there you are, more things connect us than we can possibly understand).

My most recent ex- likely thinks of me every time he jerks off. I think of him when I have an orgasm. Some of that is tattered tapestry to be sure, but he sculpted me. Wanting them to pay a harsh price for treating us badly- or whatever- is puerile. I know my ex-compares every other date to me, and as he has told me before, they are always wanting. Until he finds someone who isn’t. Same for me.

I don’t need to hear or know that. But I do. It doesn’t give me satisfaction, nor does it necessarily fill a need to feel superior to any of his current or future loves.

Yet we do it. My ex-, who is troubled (as am I in my own ways), forced a few issues. He is woven into the house I am currently vacating, bit by bit, box by box, day by day. Every box I seal also seals off another piece of the unhealthy attachment. This is a hugely cathartic process, healthy as hell, and difficult as shit.

He thinks of me all the time. Boy do I know that. It goes both ways. We are each others’ histories and stories, woven with regret for what could have been, what was, and what will not be.

And if we’re really lucky, also woven with gratitude for the experiences we did have and what they taught us.

But that’s a different article.

Nice piece, Kris.

Written by

Horizon Huntress, prize-winning author, adventure traveler, boundary-pusher, wilder, veteran, aging vibrantly. I own my sh*t. Let’s play!

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