Juhi,

What I’m going to suggest, take with a block of salt. I’m not a doctor. But then, my attitudes about conventional doctors is increasingly negative, so mind that what I say to you should be taken in that context.

First of all, I believe strongly that we draw our experiences to us, that we are not victims. Like you I’ve had childhood trauma, experienced rape, and came from an alcoholic family. These experiences have done several things FOR me: they have given me insight into others’ lives; they have made me one hell of a strong woman, and they have taught me to not trust doctors when it comes to self care. Every time someone makes another diagnosis, Bingo! more drugs. More reasons to feel you are ill, inadequate, faulty, and have to be “fixed.” More reasons to feel less than, and at the mercy of the medical establishment. More reasons to feel victimized by your own body. The simple truth is that you were born healthy, and your body’s set point is health.

When we own the notion that our bodies want to be healthy and that we ourselves are the only ones who can really get ourselves to that point, it changes the conversation we have with our physical beings. This is just a vessel and it is not us. The real US is what resides in our bodies — that consciousness that is exceptionally wise, and it is what animates the sack of muscle and blood and matter that we happen to inhabit. You are NOT your body. YOU are the heartfelt spirit that resides within. And that is unassailable. That’s the YOU that you discovered post-coma.

What you say are “facts” become facts when we give them power. I was diagnosed as bipolar in 1995 and accepted it as “fact.” I let that dominate me for two decades. It isn’t a FACT. What is factual is that like you, I had been abused, and the anger, hurt and guilt I felt as a result came out in a variety of behaviors. That is perfectly normal, but our society determines that an angry woman is a dangerous woman and she needs to be drugged. No she doesn’t. She needs to be HEARD. VALIDATED. And the person who needs to hear us, is ourselves. We need to tend to our hurts, we need to tend to our healing, and this is something no doctor, drug, or psychiatrist can do. We can find better facilitators of that healing, but you won’t find them in conventional medicine. This is the healing that happens at a soul level.

Depending on your willingness to seek alternative options, I might direct you to http://www.holisticinspiredhealingprogram.com/, a clinic in Albuquerque. I was there last week for a one-week intensive. They work with people just like you who are not getting results or getting much better from traditional medicine. Take a look, see if it works. At the very least give Dr. Hart a call, and consider this an a potential option. You asked how to get your body back? This clinic works very well with cardiovascular issues and chronic pain. I would find a way to get off your prescriptons, take control of my health via learning to love and fully BE in your body, and stop giving doctors permission to tell you how sick you are. You’re not sick. Your body is asking for a healing of your heart. That’s what I am hearing. That doesn’t make me right. But you asked, and that’s my heartfelt answer.

Written by

Horizon Huntress, prize-winning author, adventure traveler, boundary-pusher, wilder, veteran, aging vibrantly. I own my sh*t. Let’s play!

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