Dumb Signs
A recent trend in dinnerware caused me to wonder precisely whether our society has descended into the Stone Ages. As in, we’ve completely forgotten what plates, pitchers, bowls and cups are for. Did I miss something while I was away? Did our collective IQs just drop forty points?
Here’s my point. On a recent springtime excursion into HomeGoods, I came across some kitchen items that gave me pause. Each was inscribed with instructions, just in case we might be mightily perplexed when faced with cookware or kitchen containers.
For example, a plate with the word EAT, as above.
Correct me if I’m wrong here, but usually when someone proffers a plate full of food in front of us, assuming it’s mealtime, and also assuming that we are at least mildly famished, we are going to EAT.
Need we be reminded?
If anything, if current stats are to be believed, we might want to be reminded to EAT LESS, or for that matter, DON’T EAT, if said plate happens to have Krispy Kreme donuts on it.
A sugar container exhorts me to SCOOP. Lest I confuse it with POUR, which happens to be written on a pitcher.
Heaven forbid I confuse the two while making KoolAid, and attempt to SCOOP colored water out of the pitcher and or try to POUR sugar out of the sugar bowl. While there may have been a recent trend of such cabbaged behavior in American kitchens, I confess to have missed it entirely. Of course we need instructions on our kitchen utensils if we have as a nation completely forgotten what everything is four. So POUR. Never mind that there is a spout on one side, a handle on the other, which would invite most thoughtful cooks to act on intuition. But I musn’t assume.
Now admittedly, there has been concern about Millenials’ inability to do basic household chores (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5318359/Most-young-adults-unable-perform-basic-household-tasks.html) although bleeding a radiator doesn’t come up very high on my list either (I’m 65 and the only thing that bleeds in my house is me when I conk my coconut). However, I seriously doubt that we’ve descended to the point that we actually need to permanently print instructions on our kitchen utensils and containers to ensure that those poor Millennials won’t starve to death if left to their own devices.
Still, we want to make sure the younger generation isn’t duped into munching a Milk Bone rather than a Chips Ahoy- given that they are ever so hard to tell apart these days (especially in the ingredients)- so we really should mark our containers accurately. In fact, to that point, the Feds should require that all containers be precisely marked. The above should specify Human or Animal, and if Animal, what kind, just in case there is further confusion. While the dog may not care, surely the cat does, as does the potbellied pig. One has to be clear about such things, mustn’t one?
We do have to protect people from the challenges of life, after all. One doesn’t want to serve Zuke’s Mini Naturals dog treats with afternoon tea, after all, when it’s hard enough to figure out how to SCOOP or POUR. And after all that exhausting work is done, to figure out how to TASTE.
Or, for that matter, we could all just go back to eating with our fingers, which, if offered soup, could present an interesting challenge. At the bottom of that bowl might be inscribed the helpful instructions SLURP. Unfortunately, by the time we’ve removed enough soup to read what we should be doing, the soup is all over the floor.
Eventually, just to make sure this poor, uninformed younger generation doesn’t fail in all regards in life, we might also want to label other essential items. To wit:
On the toilet: PEE, POOP, WIPE and FLUSH. However that last has been taken care of by most electronic toilets. All we’re missing is an electronic hand to gently wipe our rears.
In the closet: WEAR printed on all the clothing.
In the car: DRIVE printed on the steering wheel. Which isn’t such a bad idea, given that so many of us are texting while driving (660,000 people a day, give or taking, during daylight hours, and that’s all of us)
On the lawnmower: MOW. Now we’re getting somewhere.
On the bed: MAKE ME. This could be taken several ways, but let’s assume we mean tidying the sheets.
On the back of the dog: WALK ME. Just in case being dragged to the door by your pant leg along with a leash doesn’t convey the message.
On the refrigerator door: MAKE UP YOUR DAMNED MIND AND CLOSE ME.
On our iPhones and Androids: OFF. Now that’s one hell of a good idea.
On your scale, in case you’re over your norm, HOLY SHIT GET OFF ME. In fact, we should make that an audible, with sobbing.
On your electronic banking statement: DON’T BOTHER. YOU’RE BROKE.
On any electronic device being handled by anyone over forty: DON’T BOTHER. FIND A MILLENNIAL.
There. That’s a start. Oh….where was I? Oh yes. The sign on my computer:
TYPE.
And just for more fun, I invite you to peruse the following: https://www.ranker.com/list/stupid-signs/robert-wabash.
My guess? The same folks who made those signs are the folks who produced this kitchenware.
It’s good to know there are those who want us to survive.
Of course, this is the same supposedly inept generation which has put forth kids who can stand in front of thousands of protesters in Washington DC and be more eloquent speakers than any of our current leadership.
Hmm.
Maybe we should put a sign on our breakfast tables: LEARN.
