I'm going to come after this from the goddess point of view, Yael. I don't assume you've been reading my lastest but this article which inspired my piece yesterday may well be one key to assessing what is eating at you from the inside. https://www.themarginalian.org/2021/12/20/four-thousand-weeks-oliver-burkeman/?utm_source=pocket-newtab

You and I share a great many things. I am going to suggest the possibility that the extreme busy-ness and sheer activity level have a great deal more to do with the pain we feel about loneliness. Certainly I traded being worthy as a person for being worthy based on what I produce. My way of coping has always been OCDs, which feels like it assuages the pain. It doesn't, activity just dissipates it but doesn't deal with it. It's not our singlehood per se, in my case the very strong feelings of self worth left over from incest etc. I cannot and would never try to speak for your experience but I hear echoes of similarity, as I manage my own great big house and all the demands, feeling that silly smugness that being incessantly busy gives me as though someone is eventually going to a ) give me a hero button and b) fall in love with me because of all those accomplishments. No to both.

This is a terrible and long journey to come to grips with the Calvinist cat o nine tails which demands that we forfeit our Divine Right to be a goddess for being Busy as Shit to define our worth. Whether or not that applies to you have no idea. However the training we receive from birth in our twisted society demands that we do vs. learn how to sit in our power and be, and it is a long road to reclaim that power. You're on that road. This is what it looks like when it's working, Yael, messy as it is, but this is precisely what it looks like. And that is fine, fine news. It's supposed to be bloody uncomfortable and uneasy, that is what shedding useless skin feels like.