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Photo by Callum Shaw on Unsplash

I Hijacked Besom & Bletherskate’s Lockdown Interview for Illumination.

And here are my answers. Careful what you ask for.

I was reading Terri DelCampo-Nelson’s article about this a few minutes ago and figured why not.

Besom & Bletherskite created the following interview about the lockdown experience. Almost as good as Terri’s Bizarre-ass questions.

Here goes:

What have you missed the most during the lockdown?

Being able to fit into my skinny workout shorts.

Seriously? My gym. My pool. My stairs at Red Rocks. Planning my next trip to wherever.

All of which would go a LONG FUCKING WAY into letting me fit back into my skinny workout shorts.

What’s the best thing about being in lockdown?

Screaming FUCK YOU ASSHOLE at all the IRS scammers. Really helps relieve the tension. They’ve now blocked my number when I call back (honestly, a little foul language goes SUCH a long way)

Truly? Silence, dotted with birdsong, wind in my pines. No traffic. Deer in the yard, birds on the deck, and watching spring bloom for the last time in my yard.

However I’m almost ready to start screaming FUCK YOU ASSHOLE at the once-polite gang of squirrels which has taken over my yard, busted my bird feeder, shat all over my deck railing and come back regularly the harass the chickadees. Neighborhood has gone to shit. Bunch of gang-bangers.

What has been the worst thing about being in lockdown?

Watching Netflix programs featuring Men Who Likely Smell VERY Bad (Outlander, The Last Kingdom, Norsemen, shall I continue? PHEW.)

Truth? Ruining my vocal chords screaming FUCK YOU at all the phone scammers.

Who would you have liked to host in your home during the lockdown and why?

Jamie, from Outlander, but only AFTER HE’S HAD A FUCKING BATH. The Witcher, AFTER HE’S HAD A FUCKING BATH.

Truly? Anyone’s pupper who needs a cuddle. I miss my critters. They can show up without a bath.

Every so often I could use some conversation but not so desperate I’d actually invite a Jehovah’s Witness into the house. For them, I keep a Stillson wrench next to the front door.

Oh. Shit. I forgot the why. BECAUSE I’M FUCKING HORNY. Not for the Jehovah’s Witnesses. For Henry Cavill. After he’s had a fucking bath.

What have you discovered about yourself in lockdown?

That if I didn’t put a very large pillow right next to the couch during a buzzer session (helps with boredom) I am likely to really hurt myself when I try to stand up again.

Truth? That epic adventure travel, being in extreme conditions have trained me for damned near anything. I’m just fine. Expanding, mind you, but fine.

What did you eat (or drink) the most during lockdown?

After I got done inhaling chocolate almonds (they are now disappearing at my neighbor’s, good riddance), I turned to nut butters. However, I was swiftly reminded why my supply of Justin’s nut butters are for hiking, not sitting.

Salads. Salads. Salads. Salads. Yogurt, eggs, and more salads. And birdseed disguised as Expensive Gourmet Snacks. Different package, same stuff, forty-seven times the price. Drink? Tonic water, because I get leg cramps. That is after the Covidiots stopped stripping the shelves of it to cure their lunacy. Didn’t work. Otherwise, water, water and more water. I don’t drink alcohol. Good thing. I’d be yelling FUCK YOU at my mail man.

Apart from sleeping and working what activities did you undertake the most during the lockdown?

Screaming FUCK YOU at the phone scammers.

I get a lot of these calls. Unfortunately, the local VA Hospital’s number shows up as a spam call. I have on more than one occasion startled the hell out of some aging vet calling to cancel my PT appointment. I think one had a heart attack.

I still wanted to scream FUCK YOU about the cancelled appointment but it wasn’t his fault.

Other than that, running, lifting, kickboxing, cleaning out my yard for the upcoming sale, researching PNW houses for sale, burning out my buzzer on the couch. No. Really, I broke one. I guess I need the Industrial Strength version.

Will you come out of lockdown heavier or lighter?

I am tempted to scream FUCK YOU at this question.

I will mind my manners.

Truth? I am still tempted to scream FUCK YOU at this question.

What resource has helped you most during the lockdown?

Chocolate almonds. Wait. I gave them away.

Bueno Bars. Wait. I gave them away.

Um, my buzzer. Wait, I broke it.

Truth? My sense of the absurd, my sense of humor, and my work ethic. I am extremely good at the mid-air pivot, and pissing off phone scammers.

FUCK YOU, by the way.

Not you, Dear Reader. The scammers.

What is your top tip for other people in lockdown right now?

Learn to air dry.

How has lockdown changed you?

I tend to scream FUCK YOU ASSHOLE into the phone without checking the number.

My circle of friends has dwindled considerably, but the squirrel gang seems like me as long as I refill the feeder.

If you were to leave a ‘message in a bottle’ for the future, what would you say?

Quick: Put this bottle against your face and breath in. This is the last clean air you will ever smell. We didn’t learn a fucking thing, bunch of assholes.

Afterwards, please discard bottle appropriately. Just toss it aside. After all everyone else did.

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Photo by Hermes Rivera on Unsplash

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m waiting for my phone to ring. There’s a guy in some Mumbai basement just waiting to sue me for back taxes to the IRS.

Written by

Horizon Huntress, prize-winning author, adventure traveler, boundary-pusher, wilder, veteran, aging vibrantly. I own my sh*t. Let’s play!

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