How to Know When You’re Old: Eleven Surefire Ways to Know When to Throw in the Towel
Medium.com is full of stories by newly-minted thirty-year-olds bemoaning their ancient status. While I would give my left breast for those thirty six years back (wait, not really, how about the left canine off my dentures?) I do find it both fascinating and hilarious that those still in the blush of youth and barely scratching out their first smile lines would harangue themselves and each other about how old they are.
You ain’t seen nuthin’ yet.
There’s old and then there’s old. I know people in their twenties who are already done with life, devoid of joy and humor, and absolutely awful to be around. On the other hand some of the youngest folks I know are well past eighty, laugh all the time, find pleasure in the moment, and look forward to whatever the day lays at their doorstep. They are perpetually, forever youthful. Wrinkles aren’t the point. What’s in the heart and soul determines youth. However, I do have to admit, there are a few ways to tell if the body has decided that it’s time to pay you back for all those skydives, those martinis, those late night rages and a few too many cigars.
So, to get the record straight, here are some clear indications that you are, indeed getting old:
- You don’t care about sex any more. Really? Honestly? Doesn’t interest you? The day I don’t want to rip my BF’s clothes off (okay, okay, he’s one hell of a hunk of handsome muscle, so I’m by god prejudiced) is the day I am officially an old crank. If I look at that body and say…meh…shoot me. Please.
- Your hair relocates. Or, for that matter, either goes grey or falls out entirely, at which point you are either tattooing in eyebrows (or pubic hair, but that would really hurt) or drawing them on. Or you’ve invested in several crates of Brown Betty (http://www.bettybeauty.com/).
- Shit falls off, rolls away, and you can’t find it because you stuck your glasses on your head and you forgot. Body parts go missing, teeth fall out, dentures take a hike or some other part of you, real or plastic, departs your person. Damned if you know where it went. WHERE THE HELL DID I PUT MY GLASSES???
- All the women your age look like men, and all the men look like women. All of them have long hairs growing out of their chins (and noses, and ears….) Most men have bigger boobs that you EVER did as a young woman. Both sexes have their elastic waists pulled up under their boobs.
- You drive like your father. Twenty miles an hour in the passing zone, with forty cars honking behind you, and you can barely see over the dashboard. Your car is still in second gear and you’re terrified you’re going too fast. (My father drove just like that. I ended up right behind this and was horrified to see the driver wave at me. AUGH. It WAS my father. ) Who drives 20 in a 55 mph zone? Old men.
- You have a bubble butt. Depends give you a Kardashian ass, but it’s lumpy.
- You pepper your conversation with Goddamned kids these days.
- You begin conversations with “Back in my day….” and the room promptly clears out.
- You fart eloquently and unapologetically in public. Sometimes you misinterpret the signals. And the room promptly clears out.
- You stop laughing.
- You constantly obsess about being old.
There’s only one cure for age. Stop living.
There’s only one cure for getting old. Start laughing.