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How to Describe Your Body on a Dating Site
Why “Athletic and Toned” are the two most misused words in online dating
I sat at a small table at Starbuck’s, which is for many of us First Date Central, sometime late last summer. I’d agreed to meet someone, which is increasingly rare these days. The chair faced the parking lot.
If you’ve done this enough times, you know precisely what I’m doing and why. If I had a dollar for every guy who claimed to be “athletic and toned” and showed up with 35 lbs of said “athletic and toned” hanging over his belt buckle, I’d be waiting out the coronavirus on my own island in the Seychelles.
You know my meaning. I’ll bet you’ve been there yourself. I’ve learned. This is my strategy (you can steal from it):
I’m ex-military. I like to see the field of battle. About twenty minutes prior, I’d checked the ladies’ room for a window, just in case I needed to shimmy out. Nope. But there was a side exit. I was close to it. You learn. I’ll bet you’ve wished you’d scoped out an exit plan for dates when what you thought was going to be “athletic and toned” got out of the car, and the visual shock was, well….where’s the exit?
I had just come from the gym, it was a hot day, so my guns were out. I was in my workout duds. I live in them.
The date in question arrived. Not bad. When he sat down his eyes bugged out as he looked at my arms.
BUT YOU LOOK LIKE YOUR PICTURES, he said in amazement.
I’m an athlete. I may be 67, but I’m a gym rat. My body fat percentage is perhaps around 12%. I’ve got earthworms for veins, the result of almost five decades of bodybuilding. Athletic and toned.
That doesn’t make me superior. Not at all. It’s a lifestyle choice, important because of what I do for a living. If I’m not in superb shape, I die. Not an exaggeration. I do extreme adventure travel. No kidding. So yeah, I’m in shape. I have gotten up and walked after breaking my back in eight places, smashing my pelvis in two. I’m not making this up. This is my world. Being fit means surviving.
So my understanding of those terms is driven by my reference points, as are they for all of us. For the sake of discussion, though, as…
