Even though intellectually we may know better, SU, and realise that people are projecting their shit onto us (this is Psych 101 but it’s VERY hard not to take things personally, which as women we tend to do as a knee jerk reaction), it’s still so very easy to think that we’re responsible for other’s shit. When I was growing up with alcoholics in the family, as a kid- and I think this is a very common experience- I assumed that their arguments were my fault. Their issues were my fault. And they were happy to assign blame to an adolescent. Such is the sickness of adult alcoholics, who, as someone else on here very wisely pointed out, stop developing emotionally as soon as they develop an addiction. ANY addiction, including being right about how someone else is to blame for the crap in their lives.
It’s such hard personal work to rise above this, SU, and bow to the Authority of Life, and honor someone else’s journey even though it may do us damage.
When I was four years old my father put me into a raised case with biddies, which is what we call very young hens. My job was to collect those tiny, growing chickens that the other hens had decided to pick on, which they did with a vengeance. They would peck at them until they bled at the neck. Who knows their motivation. They apparently perceived a weakness. We are no different. We do the same thing. It’s immensely sad that people cannot see and embrace their own psychosis and their own issues, for those are the stairsteps not only to mental health but emotional wellbeing. Those who are committed to blaming everyone else for the quality of their lives are doomed to deep unhappiness. When it’s in our own family it’s much harder to shed, for they installed the buttons which, when pushed, set us off. Your mental health depends on the hard work you’re doing and have done to set boundaries, and recognise their right to their own issues, and their right to create their own unhappiness, their right to choose to blame you and anyone else. The gift in this is that as you clearly define what’s your shit and what’s their shit, you also own your own power. They can learn from this or choose not to. That’s not your journey. They’re forcing you to find your own power. That’s huge. No fun, but damn it, it’s huge. Kudos to you for finding your path.