A Brand-New Surefire Way to Get a Date: Publish my Masturbation Videos!
Okay, okay, okay. I admit it.
I have no social life right now. Apparently that’s obvious to certain lowlife scammers who seem to believe that I possess money or an unlimited bank account. Or for that matter, am a male. While I’ve been toying with (and eventually dumped) online dating sites as being a bad investment of my time — for now — apparently my desperate attempts to have a lively social life at 66 didn’t go unnoticed.
Since clearly I must spend most of my days downloading pedophilia (well natch, of course I do, I have nothing better to do other than run a business, write articles, work out, study, make sales calls, travel internationally, oh, I dunno, what a boring life) apparently I have been caught in the act. And, apparently someone caught me with my pants down. No, really. Or so I’m told.
So today while I was looking for a lost email that might have landed in SPAM, I found what the proverbial cat dragged in:
FINAL WARNING (email)
You have the last chance to save your social life — I am not kidding!!
I give you the last 72 hours to make the payment before I send
the video with your masturbation to all your friends and associates.
The last time you visited a erotic website with young Teens,
you downloaded and installed the software I developed.
My program has turned on your camera and recorded your act of
Masturbation and the video you were masturbating to.
My software also downloaded all your email contact lists
and a list of your Facebook friends.
I have both the ‘Jhubbel.mp4’ with your masturbation
and a file with all your contacts on my hard drive.
You are very perverted!
If you want me to delete both files and keep your secret,
you must send me Bitcoin payment. I give you the last 72 hours.
If you don’t know how to send Bitcoins, search Google.
Send 2000 USD to this Bitcoin address immediately:
(copy and paste)
1 BTC = 3850 USD right now, so send exactly 0.522536 BTC
to the address above.
Do not try to cheat me!
As soon as you open this Email I will know you opened it.
This Bitcoin address is linked to you only,
so I will know if you sent the correct amount.
When you pay in full, I will remove both files and deactivate my software.
If you don’t send the payment, I will send your masturbation video
to ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND ASSOCIATES from your contact list I acquired.
Here are the payment details again:
Send 0.522536 BTC to this Bitcoin address:
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
You саn visit the police but nobody will help you.
I know what I am doing.
I don’t live in your country and I know how to stay anonymous.
Don’t try to deceive me — I will know it immediately — my spy ware is
recording all the websites you visit and all keys you press.
If you do — I will send this ugly recording to everyone you know,
including your family.
Don’t cheat me! Don’t forget the shame and if you ignore this message
your life will be ruined.
I am waiting for your Bitcoin payment.
P.S. If you need more time to buy and send 0.522536 BTC,
open your notepad and write ‘48h plz’.
I will consider giving you another 48 hours before I release the vid,
but only when I see you are really struggling to buy bitcoin
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — -
Okay, look. Part of what’s funny about this is that if tried to masturbate where I work with my computer, I’d fall off my dining room chair and hurt myself on the wood floor. Frankly, if I’m going to have fun in my increasingly snowy southern regions, I’m going to go find a quiet, soft place. Then scare the shit out of my elderly neighbors. (The window is right next to the bed).
Nothing like a good banshee yell to liven the neighborhood up a bit.
Here’s what I think. If there were such a video (although this is clearly pointed at a guy, which last I checked downstairs I’m not, who has a Facebook account, and I don’t, and that I have a family, and I don’t), this serves as mild entertainment. The grammar still sucks. But the copywriting is improving. I’ll bet they’ve made millions on this one.
Still, the idea of sending masturbation videos would do little more than amuse the hell out of all my friends. They might need a little midday pick me up. Never know.
However- this might solve my problem. What if I did get a video of myself masturbating? That might just do the trick (no pun intended.) I might not be as creative and eloquent as my Medium peep Vienna De Vega, but in the feeding frenzy that is online dating, this might just give me a leg up in order to get my legs up. In the air, as it were.
THAT pun was intended.
Hey, a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. However I would love to meet the Bombay-based Indian idiot who launched this in my general direction, hoping it would scare me to death.
If these scammers had a brain, they’d target prominent, secretive, rich religious orders.
The Catholic Church comes (yep another unintended pun)to mind. In the immortal words of George Carlin, “When He said, suffer the little children to come unto Me, this wasn’t exactly what Christ had in mind.”
My bet? The coffers of the Catholic Church could be cleaned out by this scam.
Call it a redistribution of ill-gotten funds to the world’s poor.
Meanwhile I’m going back to the article I was writing (I forgot why I was in my Junk mail by now). Oh the endless entertainment of the Internet.
Got porn scam? See: https://www.consumer.ftc.gov/blog/2018/08/how-avoid-bitcoin-blackmail-scam
Wait. Now that I think of it….this might be my neighbors getting even for screaming OH GOD in the middle of The Price is Right.
That’ll be $2k in bitcoin please. The orgasms were worth every penny.